At this point, I had been hoping to post a lovely announcement three years in the making right here on this blog.
Instead of exciting news, I'm afraid I have rather sad news.
The exciting news was that after three years of trying, I was finally pregnant.
The sad news is that we confirmed today that I've had a miscarriage.
Although today I would have been starting my 13th week (and in my second trimester), the baby did not make it much beyond 8 weeks. I'd suspected the loss for a while, especially with two consecutive appointments where no heartbeat was heard, but it comes as a shock, nevertheless.
There are a few good things to come of it, though.
One, we went with a Midwife this time, and the experience (albeit short) was exactly what I was hoping for.
They are right in line with my "natural" philosophies of health care, pregnancy, and child birth. It was a far more personal experience than the OBGYN ever was: today after getting the news after two ultrasounds, the midwife told me to stop by her office (with no appt), and greeted me with a hug and a box of tissues. We sat and talked. Even the lady at the front desk, when I told her my name, asked me how I was doing (because of the miscarriage, not just the standard HowdyDo). I am absolutely loving the experience with the midwife, and will definitely continue on with them for any future pregnancies.
Two, we found out, after years of doubting, that I could indeed get pregnant, and that was refreshing to know in itself.
Three, we also discovered that there may be some underlying health issues with yours truly that may be preventing pregnancy (and a causing a whole bunch of other things). Since those issues are treatable, we're glad to have discovered them so that we can pursue treatment and carry on.
And last, but certainly not least, our little tiny pumpkin brought us great joy in a period of great stress, even if it was for a brief moment in time. And now, we have a little angel waiting for us in Heaven.
So, if you notice that we're mopey, crying spontaneously (me more than Jason on that one!), or just plain ol' off, you'll know why. :)
Every time you say (or write) that you (or I) have an angel up in heaven, I break down in tears. There is something so beautiful about the relationship between a momma and her babies, unborn or not. And it's a much stronger attachment early on than I ever thought..which is what makes a miscarriage so incredibly painful. Like Mom and Caryn said to me, I wish I could take the pain and the emptiness away from you. Just make sure you let it all out and don't be shy about showing your emotions. Fo realz.
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Laura, I am so sorry to hear this news. Like your sister's post, reading this brings back many feelings. Although I mustn't say "I know how your feeling", I feel like I might get close. Its so difficult going from... ah its too painful to type. We will talk later. Better things lie ahead. I have no doubt of a little Baby McClain in our near future. Love and hugs and come-talk-whenever-you-like,
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And I'm sooooo glad you found a nice group of midwives (it was a group, right?) for your pregnancies. I'm praying you get to visit them again in about 8 weeks or so. :)
ReplyDeleteKatie - Thanks for the offer! :)
ReplyDeleteTwopsachord - That has to be the loveliest comment ever on a blog. And you're completely right - that bond starts amazingly early, and it makes a Momma's experience of a miscarriage so much different from a Daddy's (not that men don't suffer the loss at all, they just suffer differently, and not as strongly as a woman, I think). I keep putting my hand to my belly and thinking, "I miss my Baby" which is a very very very different emotion than, say, what Jason is going through. Anyway, all that jabber agree with what you said far more succinctly. :) And yes, the midwives are a group (only 4 or 5, I think?) and I'll be seeing them in less than 5 weeks now, but as a postpartum check. ;)
Thats the part I was starting to type. When we lost ours, I couldn't get over how empty I felt. Like "wow, nothing's going on inside here anymore". Kind of a lonely feeling. You then realize how every waking second you have a conscious or subconscious thought about the little one inside. And yes a mom is a mom from the beginning. Attached from the get-go. So different from the dad's experience. Keep cleaning, keep sharing, it helps!
ReplyDeleteLaura, we just heard, from you Mom. I'm very sorry. Take care of yourself. Love and hugs from us.
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